Conquer's娛樂場

First and foremost I want to personally thank the Human Rights Campaign for the incredible work that they’ve done and the work they continue to do. Not only here in Washington State but across the country and around the world.  As we all know this work is critical, it’s life-changing, it’s live-saving.  It is my great honor and privilege to be here tonight, to count myself a member of this community.  It is also something of a surprise.

首先，我個人要感謝人權運動完成了難以置信的工作，以及他們繼續執行的工作。不僅在華盛頓州，還有全國以及世界各地。我們都知道這項工作是至關重要的，是改變生活，是拯救生命。我非常勞幸今天能來到這裡，將自己算上這個共同體的一員。這也是令人大吃一驚。

I’ve had a complicated relationship with that word, ‘community.’  I’ve been slow to embrace it.  I’ve been hesitant. I’ve been doubtful.  For many years I could not or would not accept that there was anything in that word for someone like me.  Like connection and support, strength, warmth.  And there are reasons for that.  I wasn’t born in this country.  I didn’t grow up in any one particular religion. I have a mixed race background, and I’m gay.  Really, it’s just your typical all-American boy next door. (chuckles)  It has been natural to see myself as an individual.  It’s been a challenge to see that self as part of something larger.  Like many of you here tonight, I grew up in what I would call survival mode.

我和這詞”共同體”有著複雜的關係。我一直緩慢地擁抱它。我一直在猶豫。我一直抱持懷疑。多年來，我不能也不願接受有任何詞彙之於任何人，如我一般。像與他人連接、支持、堅強或溫暖。而這是有原因的。我不是出生在這個國家。我不是在任何特定的宗教下成長。我有著混血的背景，而且我是同志。真的，這只是你那典型美國本土的鄰家男孩。這自然而然地視為為我自己為一個個體。這像是一個挑戰去視自己於某種大團體的一部份。像今晚在座的各位，我成長於我稱之為求生模式的環境下。

When you’re in survival mode, your focus is on getting through the day in one piece, and when you’re in that mode at 5, at 10, at 15, there isn’t a lot of space for words like ‘community,’ for words like ‘us’ and ‘we.’  There’s only space for ‘I’ and ‘me.’  In fact, words like ‘us’ and ‘we’ not only sounded foreign to me at 5 and 10 and 15, they sounded like a lie.  Because if ‘us’ and ‘we’ really existed, if there was really someone out there watching and listening and caring, then I would have been rescued by now.

當你在生存模式下，你專注的是得過且過每一天，且當你在5歲、10歲或15歲，這模式下，沒有很大的空間給這詞，像是”共同體”，或者像是”我們”。那裡只有空間給”我”，或”我自己”。事實上，字眼像”我們”不僅在我5歲、10歲或15歲聽起來陌生，而且聽起來還像是個謊言。因為如果”我們”真的存在，如果真的某人在那看顧、聆聽或者在乎的話，然後我如今必然已被拯救了。

That feeling of being singular and different and alone carried over into my 20s and into my 30s. When I was 33, I started working on a TV show that was successful not only here in the States, but also abroad, which meant over the next 4 years, I was traveling to Asia, to the Middle East, to Europe, and everywhere in between, and in that time, I gave thousands of interviews.  I had multiple opportunities to speak my truth, which is that I was gay, but I chose not to.  I was out privately to family and friends, to the people I’d learned to trust over time, but professionally, publicly I was not.  Asked to choose between being out of integrity and out of the closet, I chose the former.  I chose to lie, I chose to dissemble, because when I thought about the possibility of coming out, about how that might impact me and the career I’d worked so hard for, I was filled with fear.  Fear and anger and a stubborn resistance that had built up over many years.  When I thought about that kid somewhere out there who might be inspired or moved by me taking a stand and speaking my truth, my mental response was consistently, ‘No thank you.’  I thought, I’ve spent over a decade building this career, alone, by myself, and from a certain point of view, it’s all I have.  But now I’m supposed to put that at risk to be a role model, to someone I’ve never met, who I’m not even sure exists.  That didn’t make any sense to me.  That did not resonate… at the time.

身為單數、不同以及孤獨的感覺一直延續從我20歲到30歲。當我33歲的時候，我在一個成功的電視節目中工作，不只在美國，甚至是國外。這代表接下來的四年，我到世界各地拜訪，這包括亞洲、中東、歐洲，以及任何在這之中的國家。而在當時，我有成千的訪問。我有無數的機會去說出我的心裡話－那就是我是同性戀，但我選擇了不去說。我已私下對家人及朋友出櫃，還有那些我信任多年的人，但是在專業與公開上，我並沒有。被要求去選擇背棄誠實及出櫃，我選擇了前者。我選擇去說謊、我選擇了去掩飾，因為當我想到出櫃的任何可能性，這也許會影響我及我多麼努力認真去獲得的工作生涯，我充滿了恐懼。恐懼、憤怒和那已建立多年的頑強抵抗。當我想到某處的一個孩子可能會被我採取的立場以及說出的實話而啟發或感動，而我心理的回應始終一致地說”不了，謝謝”。我想，我那獨自花了十多年所成就的事業。並從某個角度來看，這是我所擁有的全部。但現在我應該冒這個險來做為一個榜樣，給某個我從未見過的人、給某個連我都不確定存在的人來做為一個榜樣。這對我並沒有任何意義。當時，這並沒有任何共鳴。

Also, like many of you here tonight, growing up I was a target.  Speaking the right way, standing the right way, holding your wrist the right way. Every day was a test and there were a thousand ways to fail. A thousand ways to betray yourself. To not live up to someone else’s standard of what was acceptable, of what was normal. And when you failed the test, which was guaranteed, there was a price to pay. Emotional.  Psychological.  Physical.  And like many of you, I paid that price, more than once, in a variety of ways.  

像很多在場的各位，從小到大我都是一個被矛頭指向的孩子。要用對的方式講話、站姿要正確、手要擺好。每一天對我來說都是一場考驗，要冒著一不小心就會失敗、背叛自己、達不到別人「眼中的正常」的風險。而當你在這些考驗上出了任何差錯，千真萬確地，你必須付出一些代價－情感上、心理上，及生理上。而像在場的許多位一樣，我付出了代價，不只一次，以各式各樣的方式付出了代價。

The first time that I tried to kill myself, I was 15.  I waited until my family went away for the weekend and I was alone in the house and I swallowed a bottle of pills.  I don’t remember what happened over the next couple of days, but I’m pretty sure come Monday morning I was on the bus back to school, pretending everything was fine. And  when someone asked me if that was a cry for help, I say no, because I told no one. You only cry for help if you believe there’s help to cry for. And I didn’t. I wanted out. I wanted gone. At 15.

第一次我試著自殺，是當我15歲。我等到週末我的家人全離開，而我一人在屋子裡，吞下了一瓶的藥丸。我完全不記得接下幾天發生了什麼事，但我很確定的是在星期一早上我在往學校的校車上，假裝一切都很好。每當有人問我會這麼做是不是要尋求別人的協助，我會說：『不是，我並沒有告訴任何人，而人只有在相信有辦法被協助的時候才會試著引起別人注意。那個時候的我不想要別人的注意，我只想就此了結。』在我15歲的時候。

‘I am me’ can be a lonely place, and it will only get you so far. 

“我是我”可以是一個寂寞的地方，而且只能帶你到這麼遠。

By 2011, I’d made the decision to walk away from acting and many of the things I’d previously believed so important to me.  And after I’d given up the scripts and the sets which I’d dreamed of as a child, and the resulting attention and scrutiny which I had not dreamed of as a child, the only thing I was left with was what I had when I started.  ‘I am me,’ and it was not enough.

到2011年，我做了一個決定去離開表演及很多之前我認為很重要的事。在我放棄了我從小就夢想的腳本和劇組，以及我從小做夢也沒想得到的關注和監督之後，唯一所剩的事就是當初我一開始有的。”我是我”，而這是不夠的。

In 2012, I joined a men’s group called The Mankind Project, which is a men’s group for all men, and was introduced to the still foreign and still potentially threatening concepts of ‘us’ and ‘we,’ to the idea of brotherhood, sisterhood and community.  And it was via that community that I became a member and proud supporter of the Human Rights Campaign, and it was via this community that I learned more about the persecution of my LGBT brothers and sisters in Russia.

在2012年，我加入了一個全由男生組成的團體稱之為”男人計劃”，而我被介紹了一個仍然陌生、仍然俱有潛在威脅概念－我們，到兄弟姐妹手足情誼及共同體的思維。透過這個共同體，我變成了人權運動組織的成員及引以為傲的支持者。也是通過這個共同體，我更了解到我那些LGBT的兄弟組妹在俄羅斯所受的迫害。

Several weeks ago, when I was drafting my letter to the St. Petersburg International Film Festival, declining their invitation to attend, a small nagging voice in my head insisted that no one would notice. That no one was watching or listening or caring. But this time, finally, I knew that voice was wrong.  I thought if even one person notices this letter in which I speak my truth, and integrate my small story into a much larger and more important one, is worth sending.  I thought, let me be to someone else what no one was to me. Let me send a message to that kid, maybe in America, maybe someplace far overseas, maybe somewhere deep inside, a kid who’s being targeted at home or at school or in the streets, that someone is watching and listening and caring.  That there is an ‘us,’ that there is a ‘we,’ and that kid or teenager or adult is loved, and they are not alone.

幾個星期前，當我草擬給聖彼得堡國際電影節的信，拒絕他們的邀請去參加，小小嘮叨的聲音說，沒人會注意到的。沒有人在看、收聽或者在乎。但這次，終於，我知道這聲音是錯的。我想如果只有一個人注意到我說出實話的信，將我個人的小故事融入到更大、更重要的事，這是值得寄出的。我想，讓我成為某人的當初我所沒有的某人。讓我發送出這個訊息給某個小孩，也許在美國，也許遠在海外的某地，也許，在內心深處，某個在學校中或在街頭上被矛頭指向的孩子，讓他們知道，有人守望著、聆聽著，和關懷著。這裡有個”我們”，某個小孩、青少年，或者成年人是被愛著的，他們並不孤獨。

I am deeply grateful to the Human Rights Campaign for giving me and others like me the opportunity and the platform and the imperative to tell my story, to continue sending that message, because it needs to be sent, over and over again, until it’s been heard and received and embraced.  Not just here in Washington State, not just across the country, but around the world, and then back again.  Just in case.  Just in case we miss someone.

我深深感謝人權運動給了我及其他像我一樣的人這個機會、這個平台，和這個迫切地任務來告訴你我的故事，繼續地送出訊息，因為它是需要被發送一遍又一遍，直到它被聆聽到及接受和擁抱的。不只是在華盛頓州，不只是美國各地，而是在全世界，然後循環不息。以防萬一，只是以防萬一我們錯過某個人。

Full Transcript From https://mapsoftheheart.wordpress.com/2013/09/12/wentworth-miller-speech-at-hrc-dinner-full-transcript/

Translation From Me, Conquer.
If you think there is a better way to translate it, please let me know.
如果你知道有更好的方式來翻譯，請讓我知道。